Honesty | The P31 MAKE-OVER Relationship Blog Post
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​LAST TIME
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In our first P31 RELATIONSHIP MAKE-OVER Blog Post, we discussed our relationships' need for HUMILITY, and in the second, I shared a little of my personal HISTORY and our need to be aware that we all have one and how they can influence how we each see things in our relationships. Today, we're talking about HONESTY. ​
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IT'S COMPLICATED
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Obviously, being honest is simply telling the truth. However, what makes telling the truth complicated is everything from our often complicated pasts to the way we try to control and/or manipulate our new relationships by presenting to one another who we think the other wants us to be and omitting signs of who we don't think they want to see. We then often deem that mission to be a success if we make it to the altar, and on the morning after we say, I do," or perhaps later for some, like when the physical attraction begins to simmer down a bit, especially when we marry super young, we start to notice things we hadn't before. Maybe for him it's her hair rollers or beauty cream worn to bed, while for her it's how he leaves the cap off the toothpaste or the toilet seat up. I don't know. You fill in the gaps, but those little things that begin to annoy you about each other aren't anything new. It's just the two of you being introduced to the truth of who you each really are behind the scenes.
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Ultimately, as you grow in maturity, those things will become smaller as you truly get to know the more important things about one another's character, which is revealed as you do life together, confronting challenges together, having each other's backs, and
holding each other up. It's then that you
sincerely go from being two single people to becoming one whole family. Yes, you're a family before you have children. You became a family when you left your parents' homes or coverings for each other's. ​
The honesty I feel led to talk about on today is honesty with one's self, as you can't be honest with someone else before you've truly been honest with yourself. It reminds me of Health Class, in my freshman year at an all-girls Catholic High School. The nun who had been instructing us taught us about the human reproductive system, STDs, and birth control, while concluding with the fact that the only 100% effective method was abstinence. There was one homework assignment she gave us that I recall really causing a stir in the class. She told us to go home and to take a mirror to see what we look like, and no, she wasn't talking about our faces. Everyone began to shout, "Eww! Yuck! Why would I want to do that!? That's disgusting!" To which she calmly responded, "So, you're going to let someone else see a part of you that you've never seen?"
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​So, with the same heart, I recommend that you take an honest look at who you are, what you think and feel, your likes and dislikes, how you handle pressure, your ability to feel empathy for others, yes, but also yourself. If you're challenged to feel empathy for others or yourself, then don't be afraid to ask yourself why. Look back over your life at your relationships with your parents, siblings, and other influential relationships. Honestly reflect on the good. Honestly reflect on the bad. Ask yourself what your expectations are in a husband, and how the aforementioned impacts those expectations. These are things you can attempt to work out in therapy, absolutely, but even then you have to get alone with yourself and be honest about such things to enable yourself to share openly and productively, so you can see clearly your best path to relational wholeness and peace.
AFTER
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So, what if you're already married, you've never done any of these things, and your
marriage is showing signs of distress? It's never too late to honestly assess who and where you are, as the sooner you confront whatever challenges may lie within you, the sooner you can free yourself of whatever bags, issues, or bondage that they might be to you and your relationship. This may work best when both you and your spouse do this before marriage. That's why pre-marital counseling is suggested. However, you can do it as individual homework in your marriage too. In fact, I highly recommend it, since as we grow we change, and just like our fitness and finances require occasional check-ups, so we can recalibrate where necessary to ensure that both remain upward in mobility, our relationships need that too. As like I said previously, you both have history, and often the bags or issues that can come along with that. So, act like the family that you are and support each other in healing individually so that you can heal as a couple. As you don't just want to stay together, but you want to be together wholeheartedly, being able to see your union as the blessing that GOD intended marriage to be from the beginning.​​​​